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11/24/04.....I had to kick a bad habit recently.  

For the past year and a half, I was using a substance that I am embarrassed to say that I was using. And no it wasn't crack and no it wasn't weed, heroin, meth, X, shrooms, or perscription pills....I got into using it with a once close friend of mine who hipped me to it. I won't say that person's name or the situation so that it can never come back to them, unless she was running off at the mouth to somebody and they can connect me, her and this website and if so, that's her fault for yappin when she wasn't supposed to.  We were plutonic friends but I hung out with her a lot and would smoke weed, drink, and partake of this substance...At first, we would go in on 40's. I would put in 20 and she would put in 20. I obtained some connects for this substance through a lot of the hoes that I know on the streets so it was easier for me to buy the stuff while she came to my house so that we could do it. 

But after awhile, we weren't going in on 40's anymore. Even though I had the money myself, we were going in on 20's now, which meant that we would put in 10 apiece instead of 20. I didn't really notice this change at the time but looking back, I see why....This stuff that we were using costs a LOT of money when you look at it. I could buy a 50 of weed and that would last me 4-7 days where a 50 of that stuff wouldn't last but two hours between two people. The problem with that stuff is that once you get wired up on that shit, you want more. And it seems to affect females way differently than it affects males. When a woman uses that shit, she gets all horny and will do all kinds of shit. When a man does it, he gets horny but the penis might not get hard....

Now if we were doing this stuff every once in awhile, it would have been cool. But it was starting to become a part of our lifestyle. It was to the point where we would wake up, do what we had to do businesswise, eat, and then do some of that stuff and drink and smoke. Gotdamn I was a fool for doing that shit. It was like there is nothing else in this world that I had better to do than sit up and get high and drink in the middle of the fucking day...Even though I was able to do it and still pay MOST of my bills, I wasn't able to really save any money nor was I able to get ahead. I was also noticing that the girl who I was getting high with NEVER had any money in her pocket. She would get paid in the morning and by the afternoon, she was broke...Like all cute girls, she had niggas who would give her money or perform little services for her in hopes of getting a little snatch down the road....Y'all know how it is...A nigga will fix your car for free and act like he did it just because he likes to work on cars....BULLSHIT!  He's fixing that car to build up what I call "Pussy Points"...A nigga will throw in some money here, some groceries there, all in the hopes of building up enough pussy points to be able to cash them in for some real pussy. But what most men don't realize is that they'll NEVER build up enough pussy points to cash them in. Those girls run their pussy like a crooked frequent flyer program. You can fly, and fly, and fly, and fly, and fly, and fly, and fly, and fly, and fly, and fly, and pay FULL PRICE for every flight just to find out that you don't even have enough points built up for a one way flight to Pittsburgh.  

And when you're doing that shit damn near every day, your penis gets to the point where it's EXTREMELY difficult to achieve and maintain an erection. In turn, you start to feel like a part of your masculinity is gone. You feel like you don't have enough testosterone in your body. And it wasn't because of that. It was because of that BULLSHIT I was using.....I got tired of the headaches that I would get after a long night of the shit. I would get tired of my nose being clogged up. I would get tired of my heart feeling like it's about to bust out of my chest, I got tired of all of the cigarettes that I was smoking to go along with the shit that I was using, I got tired of all of the liquor, and beer, and weed, and blunts, and wine, and all of that other stuff that you use when you're using that SHIT for me and for her when I was hanging with her. 

Now I'm not blaming her at all for my substance abuse. Even though she introduced it to me, it was MY responsibility to say yes or no to it. In my ignorance, I said yes to it. Lucky for me, my brain just isn't really wired for that shit. My brain has been programmed for weed all of these years and that won't change. It is also my responsibility to get off of that substance if I so choose. I can't blame ANYBODY for my own failures and for my choice to use drugs.

So everything was going as usual with me and my "friend". But I was starting to notice mind changes within myself and within my female friend. That shit will bring the fucking demon out of you. There are things that you think about and things that you will say and do that you would never do if you weren't high on that shit. I remember times when I'd be high on that shit and I'd be up until 5 in the morning doing that shit, watching porn, and jacking off. The kinds of things that I would think about while I was high, I will never repeat. But once I sobered up, I would always say to myself, "What in the fuck was I thinking?" ...The same thing happened with her and it happened with everybody else who is on that shit. It changes you. And it isn't for the better. I don't know of ANYBODY who was on that shit and advanced themselves in their lives. Whether it's a slow decline or a fast decline, it's ALWAYS a decline. It just depends on how long you can tread water out there in a hurricane powered ocean. One day you will drown. Everybody does eventually and I would have been one of them. Look at Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. They're Bums! When was the last time Whitney was in a movie? When was the last time she had a hit record? When was the last time that heifer even appeared in public? Her and Bobby are sitting there all fucked up and pitiful. And the only thing saving them is that they have so much money, that they can afford to buy more stuff than they could possibly use without killing themselves. 

Did you see that Barbara Walters interview with Whitney Houston? Did you see how fucked up her thought patterns were? She got on national television and said that she makes too much money to smoke crack. And I know everybody wondered what in the fuck was going through her head. Well I now know what was going through her head. That shit will put you in a reality to where you think it's acceptable to do that shit. You think that nothing is wrong with it and that you're "controlling" it. Well you're not controlling shit. It's controlling you. It's bringing you down. Whitney should have done countless movies by now. She should have done plenty of Duets with Beyonce by now. She should be on worldwide tours making MILLIONS of dollars. But she isn't. Because she and Bobby Brown have now devoted their lives to that SHIT. They stay up all night, sleep in all day, wake up and have their servants cook something, they eat, and then they do that SHIT. I guarantee you that's how they're living. They're just rich ghetto bums who got lucky, just like I was lucky that I didn't have a job to lose or a reputation to ruin. I'm self employed and I couldn't give a rat's ass about what somebody thought about me. But what if I had a 9-5 job like most people? I would have been living check to check and probably borrowing money from other people to cover me until I got the next paycheck. That kind of life SUCKS ASS and I ain't trying to live it so I had to do something about it. Lord knows I wanted to kick the habit so my guardian angel helped me out...

One day, we were planning on buying something big. She was going to get paid that morning and we were planning on putting in 75 each for the stuff, equaling 150. So when our checks came, I had my 75 ready and she was supposed to have her 75 ready. But that same afternoon, she called me and told me that she couldn't afford 75, and that she could only afford to put in 40. Then she called me later and told me that she could only put in 20...So I went and got a 50 for myself and a 40 for us to do at my house. So when the girl showed up at my house at the end of the day, she said that she only had 10 dollars to put in and that her money was tied up in other shit....So she went from 75 dollars all the way down to TEN...

She said that she would pay me back the 10 the next day and since I had already bought the shit from my connect based on her saying she could put in 20, it was too late. So I said cool and we did some of that stuff, drank some liquor that I always provide, and smoked some weed that I always provide. So in essence, a session costs me much more than it costs her, even if she is going in on half on the substance itself.....The next day comes and she is talking about doing some other shit but not talking about giving me my money. The next day comes and she calls me in the fucking morning because she wants me to call my connect and get some stuff so that she can pick it up early and chill. Now even though she already owes me ten on some previous stuff she bought, and even though she said nothing about my money, she calls me and asks me to buy some MORE of that shit....Now sometimes when she owes me money, she might just buy a sack and cover my half and we would do it and we would call it even. But this time, it was different.

I wasn't able to call my connect because I needed to go shopping that day and I didn't want to get high that early in the day or I would end up sitting on my ass for the rest of the day doing nothing. So later on that day, she was able to get some from one of her connects. I was talking to her on the cell phone while she was on her way to buy the dope and since she was getting some, and since she STILL didn't mention my money, I assumed that I would be coming over to do some of the stuff. But she didn't see it that way. What she wanted to do was go driving around and buy some weed and some of that stuff and then go home and do it by herself....I don't have any problems with this but if you owe me money for that shit, you have some options to make the debt right with me. You can:

1. Get some stuff and let me do some with you

2. Get me some stuff for myself and cover what you owe me with it...or

3. COME GIVE ME MY MUTHAFUCKIN MONEY. 

She chose to do none of these things. She said that she was running low on gas so she couldn't bring me my money but yet before, she was willing to come to my house to pick up some drugs that I would have bought from my connect. But what it boiled down to was that she was so pressed to get high, that she didn't even realize that it's common courtesy to pay off your debts to your friends BEFORE you go buying some more drugs. But like I said with Whitney, that shit will wire your brain to think of some wacky shit that doesn't even make sense to anybody who isn't geeked out like I was. I realized right then that I had to cut this woman off and STOP USING DRUGS....So after I hung up on the woman, I went and bought one more 50 sack and did that over the next four days. After that, I stopped and I haven't done it for a month now. I can say that since I've stopped revolving my lifestyle around that shit that I will be saving 300 a month easily....No more buying all of that liquor, blunts and beer. No more having full blown serious conversations about the quality of one dealer's stuff compared to another dealer's stuff on any particular batch. No more conversations about being high and how your nose is fucked up and how your head is fucked up, etc. etc. I feel like a fool for even talking about that shit. 

The way my guardian angel looked out for me is because I was contemplating cutting my friendship with this girl off months before to get off of the substance but since we were friends, I didn't have a good reason to do it. That changed when she stiffed me for ten measly dollars so that she could go buy a sack instead. I jumped on that opportunity and I haven't seen the woman's face since and I don't EVER want to see it again. It's not all her. It's that if you want to get off of a drug, you have to get rid of the people around you who were also on that drug and since she was the only female I knew that did it, once she was gone, my habit was kicked!...It's got to be harder for others who have everybody around them using drugs. I'm just thankful that it was only one. But now If I find out that a woman is on that shit, I stay the fuck away from her because she isn't anything but a money drain that leads to the sewers of nowhere. 

Now I'm not saying that I'll never use the substance again. Never say never. But there is no way in HIZZELL that I'll be doing what I was doing in the past. I'm so glad I'm off that shit, I don't know what to do. My dick gets hard without Viagra again, I feel like a man again, and I'm saving hella money. Man life is good!

Just Say No. 

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